Career Opportunities
Yes, it's true...I work in the entertainment industry. While I oh so slowly work my way towards making a career out of private investigation, I've paid the bills for the last few years by helping rot the collective minds of America. When you're sitting around watching some lame-ass movie on TV becase there's nothing else to do in your God-forsaken town, you can thank me for being one in a series of middlemen who helped today's tepid, bland programming reach the drooling masses. Man, for someone who watches as much TV as I do, I sure am hard on myself! It's hard to explain the buzzkill one feels when you see your work, which already can't stand, being broadcast on that beloved medium. Well, I just tell myself that I watch the good stuff, not the steaming piles of crap I deal with at work...
-Rockford Files re-runs
-Going Tribal
-Dog the Bounty Hunter
-The Shield
-The Ultimate Fighter
-Stella
-Miami Ink
-Cheaters
-Arrested Development
-Columbo, baby! Monday & Friday nights.
Now that's good stuff. Anyways, on those days when my job seems like karmic punishment from a Caligulan past life, I think of the other means of employment I've weathered, for substantially less pay. It kind of, you know, puts things in perspective.
Now let's see...
Repossessing cars; I got paid $25 for every car I picked up, & $15 for every trip returning cars to the dealership in Fontana. What did I learn? Well, besides how to steal car stereos, I learned how to break into locked garages, how to climb barbed-wire fences, how to deactivate car alarms, how to sneak into gated communities, how to sneak into parking lots with electronically-activated gates, & how to deal with watchdogs. Ironically, I learned very little about stealing cars.
Working in a poster-bootlegging warehouse; before there was Napster, there were small companies that counterfeited posters & stickers. You know when you go to an independent record store & they have all thos goofy posters of goofy bands & goofy movies all over the place, & all those goofy stickers under the glass counter? They pay pennies on the dollar by ordering fake stuff in bulk. $6 an hour to pack & ship "Reservoir Dogs" & Limp Bizkit posters all day, out of a gutted office space near MacArthur Park. What did I learn? Be respectful to the local gang members but be sure to look them in the eye when you walk past them, & they most likely won't hassle you. Also, police may think you shoot heroin if you have tattoos on the insides of your arms. Good times!
Working in an porno theater; no, you perverts, I charged admission & changed the tapes in the projector between movies. $7 an hour isn't much, but they actually paid for meals on duty since we were stuck there for our entire shifts. Plus if we worked the closing shift they would pay for cabfare home. What did I learn? Don't get a job working in a porno theater, it'll lower your opnion of your fellow man.
Working in a bar/punk-rock club; $40 a night & free beer is actually a good deal, but hard to make a living doing 2-3 night a week. What did I learn? There're a lot of awful bands out there. I guess there're a few good ones too. Oh yeah, I also learned the right way to pour a beer, which is a skill I've used more in my day-to-day life than any others listed here.
Conclusion: I need to be self-employed. At least then, I won't have an excuse to bitch about my lame-ass job, right? Right.
-Rockford Files re-runs
-Going Tribal
-Dog the Bounty Hunter
-The Shield
-The Ultimate Fighter
-Stella
-Miami Ink
-Cheaters
-Arrested Development
-Columbo, baby! Monday & Friday nights.
Now that's good stuff. Anyways, on those days when my job seems like karmic punishment from a Caligulan past life, I think of the other means of employment I've weathered, for substantially less pay. It kind of, you know, puts things in perspective.
Now let's see...
Repossessing cars; I got paid $25 for every car I picked up, & $15 for every trip returning cars to the dealership in Fontana. What did I learn? Well, besides how to steal car stereos, I learned how to break into locked garages, how to climb barbed-wire fences, how to deactivate car alarms, how to sneak into gated communities, how to sneak into parking lots with electronically-activated gates, & how to deal with watchdogs. Ironically, I learned very little about stealing cars.
Working in a poster-bootlegging warehouse; before there was Napster, there were small companies that counterfeited posters & stickers. You know when you go to an independent record store & they have all thos goofy posters of goofy bands & goofy movies all over the place, & all those goofy stickers under the glass counter? They pay pennies on the dollar by ordering fake stuff in bulk. $6 an hour to pack & ship "Reservoir Dogs" & Limp Bizkit posters all day, out of a gutted office space near MacArthur Park. What did I learn? Be respectful to the local gang members but be sure to look them in the eye when you walk past them, & they most likely won't hassle you. Also, police may think you shoot heroin if you have tattoos on the insides of your arms. Good times!
Working in an porno theater; no, you perverts, I charged admission & changed the tapes in the projector between movies. $7 an hour isn't much, but they actually paid for meals on duty since we were stuck there for our entire shifts. Plus if we worked the closing shift they would pay for cabfare home. What did I learn? Don't get a job working in a porno theater, it'll lower your opnion of your fellow man.
Working in a bar/punk-rock club; $40 a night & free beer is actually a good deal, but hard to make a living doing 2-3 night a week. What did I learn? There're a lot of awful bands out there. I guess there're a few good ones too. Oh yeah, I also learned the right way to pour a beer, which is a skill I've used more in my day-to-day life than any others listed here.
Conclusion: I need to be self-employed. At least then, I won't have an excuse to bitch about my lame-ass job, right? Right.
posted by I. P. Frehley at 5:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home