I see you boys of Summer, pretending not to hear my drunken taunts

Ah, the euphoric descent into full-blown psychosis. When reality taunts me with obstacles that verge on the comedic, why do people look at me like I'm crazy when I laugh out loud? Why do I feel my blood pressure start to rise when I see typos in the inter-office e-mail? Why does it infuriate me to no end when people don't mind their goddamn manners? Luckily I have several coping mechanisms that allow me to channel the terrible feelings into productive means. For instance, I like to heckle outfielders at baseball games, and feed goldfish to my pet fishes, & now that I think about it, I guess it's not that productive after all. Ah, back to the arcane meditation excercise that is heckling outfielders. I'm sorry, in a strange way, that Barry Bonds will be missing the Dodgers home opener, & possibly the entire season. What will I do with the taunts I fine-tuned during the off-season? Will mankind never know the beauty & power of my beer-fueled oratory delivered fom the loge section? Is this how Van Gogh felt when he died peniless, the world oblivious to the gift he was leaving them? The answer, of course, is yes...yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

So this brings us to the issue of the day: steroids! Why in God's name would a baseball player need performance-enhancing drugs? They spend %95 of each game literally standing around. Now, please don't get me wrong, I love baseball. I may not be able to tell you how many RBIs Willie Mays had in his rookie year, or who won the All-Star game in 1982, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the game immensely. Well, watching the game. And I've been watching it long enough to tell you that baseball players don't need steroids. Rarely do they run for more than 5 seconds continuously. Double-plays & occasional stolen bases are spread out through 9+ innings. Hitting the ball requires strength, yes, but without the reflexes, strength will only get you a pop-fly to shallow right. Do you need to take steroids just to spit sunflower seeds onto the dugout floor? Seems like they would be more apt to get high to pass the time after they strike out & have to wait for the entire rotation until they're up again. Granted, the guys who were on the juice were the guys who were routinely breaking the home-run record, but there's a solution to the problem that's a thousand times simpler than government hearings & official investigations. It's called walking the batter, you bozos. Any pitcher who actually tries to strike out a hulking left-fielder with 50 home runs is either way ahead in the count with a 3-run lead & no one on 2nd, or has been taking bong hits in the bullpen. So maybe there IS a drug problem in the Major Leagues.