C. Auguste Dupin, $200 a day plus expenses
In case you didn't already know, I'm training to be a private investigator. After work I drive up to Van Nuys & listen to a semi-retired P.I. give lectures & sordid anecdotes from his personal experience. The instructor pretty much looks how you'd imagine a semi-retired P.I. would. We also watch videos, more than I would care to. But some of them are pretty funny, produced by the National Insurance Crime Bureau. Ah, those wacky claims adjusters.
Anyways, the hardcore fans of this acclaimed blog (I call them "bloggies") will remember from some of my first posts that I was trying to start training about a year ago. Unfortunately, my previous lame-ass job prevented me from really attending regularly. So now here I go again, slightly fatter & eager to learn.
So what we're learning at the P.I. academy...hey, "P.I. Academy", that sounds like one of those B-movies they used to show on USA's "Up All Night"...anyways, what we're learning isn't quite as glamorous as Magnum PI, or even Simon & Simon, for that matter. But it beats post-production, which is where I've been treading water for the last few years. Right now we're learning about worker's comp, accident reports, taking statements, insurance fraud, & stuff like that. Later on we get to the stuff you'd expect to be in the curriculum; skip tracing & asset searches...you know, stuff you can market to people besides Mutual of Omaha.
I don't know if they're going to teach us how to drive our cars under trailer-trucks, or on just the wheels on one side. Luckily, I've amassed a wealth of information on such subjects by watching countless hours of detective shows on KDOC, Orange County. What have I learned about private investigation from these televised seminars?
1) Your client is usually setting you up, but that doesn't mean you can't seduce her.
2) You'll be framed for murder on a regular basis, so try to play it cool when they drag you downtown in the middle of the night.
3) Traffic laws do not apply to you.
4) Army buddies always bring trouble when they come to visit.
5) Always turn the light on before you walk through your front door; more than likely, there will be someone standing there waiting to brain you with the butt of their gun.
6) You need four elements to prove murder: motive, means, opportunity, & the fact that the victim as about to expose the killer's embezzling.
7) Make lots of seedy contacts: bartenders, prostitutes, bookies. Strange as it may seem, these are the people who will be able to help when you get framed for murder (see #2, above).
8) Surly mobsters & humorless government agents will constantly hamper your investigations. Deal with it.
9) Master the art of the suckerpunch.
10) Finally, remember that the public expects you to do things like drive cars off of piers & get forcibly ejected from fancy restaurants. For God's sake, please don't disappoint them!
The real punchline is that I actually have an autographed picture of James Garner proudly hanging on my wall. Anyways, with these golden rules of the trade deeply imprinted on my psyche, I know I'll be one of the best. Look for me in the crime blotter of your local newspaper.
Anyways, the hardcore fans of this acclaimed blog (I call them "bloggies") will remember from some of my first posts that I was trying to start training about a year ago. Unfortunately, my previous lame-ass job prevented me from really attending regularly. So now here I go again, slightly fatter & eager to learn.
So what we're learning at the P.I. academy...hey, "P.I. Academy", that sounds like one of those B-movies they used to show on USA's "Up All Night"...anyways, what we're learning isn't quite as glamorous as Magnum PI, or even Simon & Simon, for that matter. But it beats post-production, which is where I've been treading water for the last few years. Right now we're learning about worker's comp, accident reports, taking statements, insurance fraud, & stuff like that. Later on we get to the stuff you'd expect to be in the curriculum; skip tracing & asset searches...you know, stuff you can market to people besides Mutual of Omaha.
I don't know if they're going to teach us how to drive our cars under trailer-trucks, or on just the wheels on one side. Luckily, I've amassed a wealth of information on such subjects by watching countless hours of detective shows on KDOC, Orange County. What have I learned about private investigation from these televised seminars?
1) Your client is usually setting you up, but that doesn't mean you can't seduce her.
2) You'll be framed for murder on a regular basis, so try to play it cool when they drag you downtown in the middle of the night.
3) Traffic laws do not apply to you.
4) Army buddies always bring trouble when they come to visit.
5) Always turn the light on before you walk through your front door; more than likely, there will be someone standing there waiting to brain you with the butt of their gun.
6) You need four elements to prove murder: motive, means, opportunity, & the fact that the victim as about to expose the killer's embezzling.
7) Make lots of seedy contacts: bartenders, prostitutes, bookies. Strange as it may seem, these are the people who will be able to help when you get framed for murder (see #2, above).
8) Surly mobsters & humorless government agents will constantly hamper your investigations. Deal with it.
9) Master the art of the suckerpunch.
10) Finally, remember that the public expects you to do things like drive cars off of piers & get forcibly ejected from fancy restaurants. For God's sake, please don't disappoint them!
The real punchline is that I actually have an autographed picture of James Garner proudly hanging on my wall. Anyways, with these golden rules of the trade deeply imprinted on my psyche, I know I'll be one of the best. Look for me in the crime blotter of your local newspaper.
posted by I. P. Frehley at 12:29 PM
2 Comments:
there's just one more thing...for my report, sir...you forgot to mention that every week, a different celebrity commits an ingenious yet nefarious murder and almost gets away with it, were it not for your cunning, persistence, and underrated detective skills.
If Fox has taught me anything TV does not lie.
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