Thursday, November 25, 2004

et tu, Roger Daltrey?

So this is like, my 2nd post in less than a week, which is pretty uncharacteristic. But this is out of control. I just saw a Buick commercial, and who was hawking the wares? Aerosmith! Not that they were ever this total anti-establishment kind of outfit, in fact, I always thought they were a pretty lame band anyways, but come on! Out of control, people. The real heartbreaker was hearing The Clash on some other luxury-sedan commercial. And I thought it was bad hearing Led Zep selling Cadillacs. Apparently when one member of these groups dies, it swings the vote, & the ones who need/want the money have the majority. That's what I heard happened with Zeppelin, apparently Page was outvoted when John Paul Jones passed away. I guess that's also how The Who ended up selling cars too, I think that was around the same time John Entwistle died. Now, The Ramones did a beer commercial, but at least it was a BEER commercial, not an ad for a car that most of America can't afford!!! Now I'm seeing U2 all over the place with their ridiculous new song; on iPod commercials, during halftime on Monday Night Football, I bet they're playing it on goddamn elevators. See, I think that if a band wanted to make some money by selling their songs, they should do an ad for condoms or domestic beer, a product that their fans could use, which is why I don't really think The Ramones did such a bad thing. Now, I'm sure that if I was a professional musician I would feel different. But I'm not, & I don't. I say, if I wanted to listen to someone try to sell me something I would watch QVC. I understand that a lot of the people who grew up listening to these bands are now in the market for these obnoxious cars, but that just tells me that maybe I should stop listening to classic rock, for fear of spending my golden years listening to my iPod as I drive up to my townhouse in my luxury 4-door. Shudder to think.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Wild Turkey couldn't drag me away

So we're coming up on Thanksgiving. We commemorate the Pilgrims & the Indians getting together & learning how to plant corn, etc. What came as a shock to me is that other countries also have Thanksgiving. Would you believe that they have it Korea?! Korean Thanksgiving. What I want to know is, what the hell do Korean Indians look like. And do they have turkeys over there? The only Korean food I've ever had is Korean BBQ down there by Mid-Wilshire, which is supposed to be turning into a "cool" place. If you ask me, the only "cool" thing about it is the reception I get when I go through there. But I digress.........Thanksgiving is one of those non-denominational holidays that I can really get behind. For one thing, they have football games, & usually pretty decent ones. Detroit always plays one game, & so does Dallas. Neither team is really on fire this year but what the hell.

Thanksgiving also marks the time of year when TV show marathons bless our households. When I was growing up they would play "The Twilight Zone" on channel 5. Nowadays, what with all these new-fangled cable channels, they have all kinds of whacky movie-marathons too. I think they might have these marathons because people are up and about waiting for the turkey to cook, waiting for relatives to arrive, getting the house ready, drinking etc. This year I'm making my 3rd turkey, & hope to remedy the mistakes I've made in the past. I'm going to wrap the ends of the drumsticks in foil so they don't burn, & I'm going to turn the turkey around so one end isn't more cooked than the other. I'll probably employ a little foresight & buy a little extra beer, too.

This is as good a time as any to revive the fierce debate that rages through any Thanksgiving: could I hunt & kill a live turkey in the wild, armed only with a bolo & knife? The answer, of course, is yes. Now, I'm not saying that the bird wouldn't get a few good licks in, what with me being on his home turf. But come on, people! The odds would be on the same level as deep-sea fishing. Yeah, once in a while you see one of those yellow-fin tunas pull some yokel wearing one of those fishing-pole harnesses off of the boat & into the briny deep, but the difference is, I'm no yokel on America's Funniest Home Videos. I don't even need a bow and arrow to catch a turkey, that would take the sport out of it. In fact, I could even ditch the knife & just wring the damn thing's neck. I could go on & on about man vs. turkey but I'm saving the real bombshells of the debate over Thanksgiving dinner. So, let me leave you, dear internet geek, with this holiday tip: Make every effort to wake your ass up early & start with the prep; it'll free up a huge chunk of the day to sit on your glutes, watch football, & drink beer etc. Unless you're one of those people who thinks that eating turkey is cruel! Imagine a world where turkeys raise US to be slaughtered & eaten during Autumn festivities, during "The Turkey Zone" marathons. It's enough to make your blood run cold, isn't it? So let's all do our part to contribute to turkey population control, one look into those beady eyes is all it takes, can't you see the calculated, plotting fury behind them? Eat a turkey, the life you save may be your own.