Wednesday, December 27, 2006

21-haiku salute to Gerald Ford.

Without any votes
You blundered into power,
A would-be fascist.

The road to DC
Is too oft traveled by fools,
Clumsy & righteous.

After Watergate
Nixon called in a favor.
“I beg your pardon?”

At Hell’s seventh hole
The Devil is teeing off
Heads up, Mr. Ford!

Look into his eyes,
The true window to the soul.
Still I see nothing.

Hey that reminds me…
Dubya wasn’t elected
And neither were you.

Another one down,
And another library
Named after a fool.

The road to Heaven
Can be a difficult one
Whoops, you tripped & fell.

Cerberus fast approaches
Nipping at your heels.

Plants die in winter.
Elections in November.
Ford met us halfway.

The truth sets us free.
And you, you ignoramus,
You set Nixon free.

You were MVP
And part of the GOP;
So long, SOB.

The funny part is
You were always dead to us,
We who choose to vote.

The world keeps burning,
Young soldiers keep on dying.
No one will miss you.

Another dead jock.
Say hi to Ty Cobb for us
When you meet in Hell.

I have to wonder
If you knew how to spell it;
d-e-m-o-c-r-a-c-y, fool.

Hells gain is our loss.
They’re retiring your number
And your carcass, too.

Slow news day today:
“Dunderhead ex-President
Bites the Goddamn dust”

I heard Betty Ford
Really put away the sauce.
That’s right, I went there.

Hey America,
Dust off your dancing shoes
Meet me at Ford’s grave.

Not the sharpest knife;
Still you stabbed us in the back,

Friday, December 15, 2006

How Muhammed Ali ruined the sport of boxing

“His momma called him Clay; I’m’a call him Clay.”
-Arsenio Hall, in ‘Coming to America’

Here are just a few things that Muhammed Ali contributed to the downfall of boxing. And yes, boxing is suffering through an inglorious Autumn with the icy throes of Winter on the horizon, poignantly juxtaposed against the blossoming Spring of mixed martial arts. Let’s examine in closer detail…

- By relying solely on his athletic ability to win fights, he turned his matches into overhyped Toughman Competitions. Keeping his hands practically at his waist instead of anywhere near his face, & employing his idiotic “rope-a-dope” tactics, Ali not only erred against the axioms of the sport he ironically called a “sweet science”, he also ensured the most possible damage to his body over the course of his storied career. Pugilisms elder statesman didn’t have to be a brain-damaged, nerve-damaged, broken shell. But that’s what happens when you break the unforgiving laws of science.
- By converting to Islam & joining the ranks of Elijah Muhammed & Malcom X, Ali’s message was painfully clear. Fuck America, where he had risen from poverty to become a self-made man & the most famous athlete of the century. Who needs the American Dream when you have the vituperative rhetoric of the Nation of Islam? Ali was graciously paving the way for his worthy successor, “Iron” Mike Tyson.
- By not reporting for duty during Vietnam, he could have made a statement about humanitarianism & the brotherhood of man. Instead he made it a racial issue, specifically pointing out that no Viet Cong had ever called him a nigger. So instead of bringing attention to how senseless the war was, he fanned the fires of racial hatred. What better way to stop a war abroad than to start one at home?
- By constantly shooting off his mouth before, during & after his fights, he single-handedly molded boxing into the obnoxious spectacle it is today. Now fighters feel they have to say something outrageous & wear something outrageous, instead of making an impression by being a great boxer. Which, I have to say, Ali was not.

Next time you see Mike Tyson do something stupid on national TV, a tip of the hat is due to Cassius Clay. We were the dopes, & he roped us indeed.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

J. Alfred Prufrock vs Alfred E. Neuman

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

Somehow T.S Eliot was still able to allude to his male-pattern-baldness no less than four times. What a nerd!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Jimmy the Greek I ain't

Wow. My football picks SUCK! I wonder if my new health insurance covers kneecapping?