Monday, February 28, 2005

Serial Killer Open Tournament

Disclaimer: I don't really mean any of this, it's the 14-year old in me talking.

Now that the BTK killer has been apprehended after 30-some-odd years, there can be no debate: the murders committed by the Zodiac killer must be considered the crime of the century. Well, last century. It doesn't look like we'll ever know the killer's true identity, since he has most likely passed away & left no evidence behind that anyone knows of. While the two serial killers had similar M.O.'s in that they both wrote taunting letters to the police & media, we can see now that, however strange it seems, a confused & disturbed individual (Zodiac) with a tenous grip on reality was able to elude numerous law enforcement agencies in a major metropolitan area, while an organized, inconspicuous, respected man about town (BTK) couldn't get past local authorities in a suburb of a small Midwestern township. Strange. So now we go to the scoreboard.

--------------- Zodiac


----------Night Stalker
Night Stalker

----------------------------------------------------------winner: Zodiac

Son of Sam


Ted Bundy
-----------Green River
Green River

Quick recap: Zodiac defeated Manson simply by knowing when to play it cool & subsequently evading authorities, while Richard Ramirez earned a unanimous decision by surviving prison life, outliving an incarecerated Jeffrey Dahmer & even getting married as he sat on death row. BTK held on to a strong lead as Sam Berkowitz was forgotten on Rykers Island. And Green River looked like he was going to run away with it, racking up huge numbers & eluding authorities for years, in what many considered an upset over the "Hollywood-serial-killer-prototype" Bundy.

In the semi's, Zodiac made short work of Ramirez; it was over before it started....sticking to his simple, conservative gameplan of knowing "when to say when" after the stunning display that earned him his 1st place seed, Zodiac seemd unbeatable. BTK made it past Green River when authorities finally closed in on the Pacific Northwesterner, & made a strong showing by renewing his correspondence with the police.

Ultimately, it was this last ploy that cost BTK in the finals, as Zodiac's complete lack of evidence shut out the Wichita resident we now know as Dennis L. Rader. With BTK in custody & literally truckloads of evidence having been confiscated, even if reports that Rader has already confessed to more crimes than originally attributed to him are true, Zodiac will take home the honors & is bestowed the 20th century Serial Killer Open Tournament title.

Stay tuned for out next installment, as Zodiac earns a well-deserved seat alongside Jack the Ripper on the roster of the much-anticipated "Tournament of Champions".

Monday, February 14, 2005

Daquiri of a madman

So I guess that last post was kind of bitchy but, as fellow blogger St Anthony once said, "quod scripsi, scripsi". Or was it St. Mark....St. Patrick? Anyways tonight was Grammy's. I only watched the part where all those dudes jammed with Skynyrd but I accidentally saw part of a segment where this rapper turned into an angel and started flying away during his song. They have this category now called "Urban / Alternative", & let me explain to anyone reading this who hails from the inner-city, "urban" actually means "black". They have an "Urban Comedy" special on Comedy Central. "Urban attire" means Sean John, though let me tell you, not even the most hardened thug can look tough in a velour jumpsuit. Anyways I just got over a nasty cold, & let me tell you that despite what you may have heard, being sick really sucks. I blew my nose so much it looks like a have sunburn. I think it was some kind of poetic justice because I called in sick so I could go to a concert with my friend. Well, see what happens? Poetic justice, I tell ya, Emily Dickinson style. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I guess because it's bleak and...and it rhymed. Yeah so I went to this show & ended up getting my Talledega t-shirt stained when some dolt got jostled by some other dolt & I ended up wearing most of his beer. I guess it wasn't a lite beer because you can definitely see where he got me. I'm guessing it was Anchor Steam or possibly Amber Bock. Anyways when I was sick I thought what might help would be some good food & a stiff drink. You know, feed a cold, starve a fever? I think that's how it goes. So I had this thing at Acapulco called the Combo Ultimo & couple of margaritas, then I got some Z's. Well it made me really tired & I slept for like, over 12 hours & felt a lot better when I woke up. So I don't really know which part really was the key ingredient. Now, I'm guessing if I had downed a few "tropical" drinks that would've really put me over the top. You know, because they have fruit juice & stuff? Lots of vitamin C & what have you. Yeah I read this one recipe thats "The Cure for the Common Cold" & it's a shot of Scnapps, one of those Trader Joes beers, some garlic, some chlorophyll tablets, & a raw egg, & you drink the whole thing all heated up. I've never seen chlorophyll tablets for sale anywhere, otherwise I would've tried it his time. I don't guess margaritas are the most efficient way to fend off a virus but it's a lot classier than downing tequila shots during dinner. Hey that reminds me, how come they don't have that super-strong cough-syrup anymore? You know, the kind you can't drive after taking? It's no fun drinking a glass of that kid-stuff mixed with ginger ale! Haha, I kid folks! I don't like ginger ale. Yeah so I guess they put SOMETHING in it still because I took a shot of this stuff my girlfriend got from the Rite-Aid & it was harsher than the first time I tried Jagermeister. Anyways this gay repartee is all well & good but I gotta go to bed so I can get up & go to work tomorrow & continue this ominous charade as another productive member of society. See you in the funny pages.